Self-esteem is the foundation of everything.
It’s how you view yourself, how much you believe in your own worth, and how confidently you move through the world. If your self-esteem is low, it doesn’t matter how skilled, intelligent, or attractive you are—you’ll always feel like you’re falling short.
But the good news is this: self-esteem is not fixed. You can build it. Like a muscle, it grows with the right kind of effort.
Over the past decade, research in psychology has uncovered powerful techniques to help people build lasting self-esteem. And in this article, we’re going to show you exactly how to do that—step by step.
The Difference Between Self-Esteem and Confidence
Before we dive in, let’s clear up a common misconception.
Self-esteem is how you feel about who you are.
Confidence is how you feel about your abilities.
You can be confident in your ability to give a presentation or hit the gym, but still struggle with low self-esteem. On the other hand, when your self-esteem is solid, confidence becomes easier to build because you’re starting from a place of self-acceptance.
So if you’ve ever felt “confident but empty” or “capable but not good enough,” this guide is especially for you.
Why Most Advice Fails
A lot of self-help advice tells you to “just love yourself” or repeat affirmations in the mirror. While well-intentioned, these techniques often don’t work if you don’t already believe the things you’re saying.
Telling yourself “I’m amazing” when you secretly think you’re a failure creates cognitive dissonance—a disconnect between what you say and what you feel. Instead of making you feel better, it reminds you of how far away you are from actually believing it.
Instead, the key to building self-esteem is alignment between your actions and your values. You start to feel better about yourself when you start behaving like the person you respect.
The Psychology of Self-Esteem
According to Dr. Nathaniel Branden, widely considered the father of self-esteem psychology, there are six pillars of self-esteem:
- Living consciously – Being present and mindful in your life.
- Self-acceptance – Owning who you are without denial or self-hatred.
- Self-responsibility – Taking ownership of your choices and life direction.
- Self-assertiveness – Expressing your values and needs openly.
- Living purposefully – Pursuing meaningful goals that reflect your values.
- Personal integrity – Living in line with your beliefs and principles.
We’ll break these down into practical habits shortly. But first, let’s talk about the real reason most people have low self-esteem—and how to fix it.
Where Low Self-Esteem Comes From
Most people aren’t born with low self-esteem. It’s usually learned.
Maybe you were criticized constantly as a child. Maybe you felt like you could never measure up, no matter how hard you tried. Or maybe you made some big mistakes and started seeing yourself through the lens of guilt and shame.
Whatever the case, those experiences created a narrative—a mental story about who you are and what you’re worth.
The fastest way to change that story isn’t to tell yourself a new one. It’s to create new evidence.
You build self-esteem by doing things that make you respect yourself. One small action at a time.
Step-by-Step: How to Build Real Self-Esteem
Here’s a clear roadmap to follow. Start with just one or two actions and build from there.
1. Keep Small Promises to Yourself
If you tell yourself you’ll wake up early, go to the gym, or write that journal entry—and then don’t—you’re subconsciously training yourself not to trust you.
Instead, start small. Set a tiny goal that’s so easy it feels almost silly.
- “I’ll make my bed.”
- “I’ll stretch for 2 minutes.”
- “I’ll drink a glass of water first thing.”
Every time you follow through, you build trust with yourself. Over time, that builds pride—and pride is the foundation of self-esteem.
2. Do Hard Things on Purpose
Doing difficult things builds what psychologists call self-efficacy—the belief that you can handle whatever life throws at you.
This doesn’t mean you need to climb a mountain. It just means doing things that require a little effort, courage, or discomfort:
- Speaking up in a meeting
- Going for a run even when you don’t feel like it
- Saying no to something that drains you
Every time you choose growth over comfort, you teach yourself that you’re capable—and that you’re worth the effort.
3. Stop Self-Criticism and Practice Self-Compassion
Beating yourself up doesn’t motivate you. It just makes you feel worse.
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion—not self-criticism—is what actually helps people improve. Her studies show that people who treat themselves with kindness after failure are more motivated, not less.
Instead of “I’m such a screw-up,” try:
- “That didn’t go well, but I’m human and I’m learning.”
- “I made a mistake. What can I do differently next time?”
Self-compassion isn’t letting yourself off the hook—it’s choosing growth over shame.
4. Align Your Actions With Your Values
Self-esteem crumbles when your actions don’t match your principles.
If you value honesty, but lie to avoid conflict…
If you value health, but treat your body poorly…
If you value kindness, but snap at people all day…
Your brain picks up on the mismatch—and it quietly erodes how you feel about yourself.
So take five minutes and write down your top 3 values. Then ask: What’s one way I can live more in alignment with this today?
Even a small act of integrity creates a ripple of inner respect.
5. Limit Toxic Comparison
Nothing destroys self-esteem faster than constantly comparing yourself to others.
Social media makes this especially dangerous. You’re comparing your behind-the-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel.
Here’s a quick trick: whenever you catch yourself comparing, say this phrase:
“That’s their chapter 10. I’m on chapter 3. I’ll get there.”
Focus on your lane. Progress, not perfection.
6. Surround Yourself With Encouraging People
You become like the people you spend time with.
If you’re constantly around people who mock, criticize, or belittle you, it’s going to be tough to feel good about yourself—no matter how much inner work you do.
Find people who:
- Support your growth
- Celebrate your wins
- Challenge you with kindness
And most importantly, be that kind of person for others. Encouraging others builds your own self-worth too.
7. Journal Your Wins and Growth
Your brain has a negativity bias. It remembers failures far more than successes.
That’s why writing things down is powerful.
At the end of each day, jot down:
- 1 thing you did well
- 1 way you grew
- 1 moment you felt proud
This creates a habit of self-recognition. Over time, it rewires your self-image.
What to Avoid: Common Mistakes That Sabotage Self-Esteem
Even if you’re doing the right things, these mistakes can keep you stuck:
- Overreliance on external validation – If your self-worth depends on others’ approval, it will always be fragile.
- Perfectionism – Trying to “earn” self-esteem by being flawless leads to constant disappointment.
- Ignoring your boundaries – Saying yes when you want to say no builds resentment—and lowers self-respect.
Final Thoughts: Self-Esteem Is Built, Not Given
Self-esteem isn’t something you wait to feel before taking action.
It’s the result of consistent, intentional actions—living in alignment with your values, treating yourself with kindness, and doing hard things that make you proud.
No matter where you’re starting from, you can build the kind of self-esteem that doesn’t need to be propped up by praise, status, or likes.
You don’t need to be perfect to be proud of yourself. You just need to show up—for you—every day.
Remember: You don’t get self-esteem by thinking differently. You get it by behaving differently—and letting your actions reshape who you are and how you see yourself
You are worth the effort.
E. K. Soroba